Welcome to my renovated blog. Please leave comments.

Disclaimer:
This blog was nearly always meant to one day become an autobiographical memoir of my struggles and realizations. Therefore, many times when selecting a tone to tell the story, it becomes more dramatized, and I chose the most interesting perspective and details to provide, with the idea that I will one day want to capture readers with these stories and connect them in some way. These entries should not be read as 100% what I'm feeling or going through. More as a character I've adoped as a writer. Not to say it is fictional or these accounts are not mine, but that if for a moment I experience a feeling of anxiety or depression, the idea here is to place myself into that moment and write from it about it.

This blog also acts in a way as a personal therapy session. What do you do at therapy - you pay however much money to sit on a couch and talk to someone about your experiences. Typically they nod encouragingly or may speak briefly, but they do not add to your stories. They do not analyze them or tell you what they mean, in my experience. They simply provide an outlet in which you make connections and realizations on your own through the act of voicing your experiences and feelings. I do that here. My voicing my thoughts, surprises, new understandings, and struggles I can make connections between them and learn from them without paying someone to listen.

So, the point of this sort of disclaimer is that yes, this is me, but you shouldn't take every entry as "who I am" and think from reading this that you know me and can make decisions about me. It's just some stories I choose to share. It's never the whole picture. :)

Now, enjoy.

Pet Rules...


To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Eden,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

You Know You're From NYC When: (present)

1.You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
2.You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3.You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4.Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
5.The subway makes sense.
6.You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
7.You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
8.The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
9.You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
10.You consider Westchester "upstate".
11.You think Central Park is "nature."
12.You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
13.You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it’s a "steal."
14.You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
15.You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.
16.You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
17.You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.
18.Your closet is filled with black clothes.
19.You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since the 80s, and when you did, it terrified you.
20.You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
21.You take fashion seriously.
22.Being truly alone makes you nervous.
23.You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
24.Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
25.America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
26.You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.
27.You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
28.Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
29.$50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
30.You have a minimum of five "worst morning commute ever" stories.

You Know You're From NC When: (past)

# You've never met ANY celebrities
# "Vacation" means goin' through Rocky Mount on the way to Kings Dominion
# You measure distance in minutes
# Down South to you means South Carolina
# You know Pepsi originated in New Bern, Cheerwine in Salisbury, and that Mountain Dew was invented in Fayetteville
# You have an opinion about UNC. You went there and loved it, or you hate everyone who did
# Your folks have taken trips to the mountains to look at leaves
# Your friends have to buy gloves and winter coats if they go to college at Appalachian or Western Carolina
# You know a bunch of people who have hit a deer
# You know a few that have also hit a bear
# You remember watching the ACC Tournament on television at school
# The local newspaper covers state, national, and international headlines in one page, but sports require six pages
# Most men in town consider the first day of deer season a national holiday
# Fifty degrees Fahrenheit is "a little chilly"
# Your school classes were canceled because of cold
# Your school classes were canceled because of heat
# Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waitin' to pass a tractor on the highway
# Your school classes were canceled because of a hurricane
# You have an uncontrollable urge to buy bread and milk when you hear the word "snow."

And Finally: You Know You're From PA When (college):

* You say the correct pronunciation LANG-kist-er instead of the mispronounced Lan-CAST-er, and LEB-en-in instead of the equally incorrect Leb-a-NON.
* You live within two miles of a plant that makes potato chips, corn chips,pretzels, candy, or ice cream, or that packages turkeys, beans, or bologna.
* You can stop along the road to buy fruits, vegetables, or crafts on the "honor system."
* You only buy your beer and soda by the case.
* You think the roads in any other state are smooth.
* You consider Pittsburgh to be "out west," and you know the fastest way to Philly is the Turnpike.
* Know that Yuengling is pronounced "Ying

10 things you should know about John McCain (but probably don't):

1. John McCain voted against establishing a national holiday in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Now he says his position has "evolved," yet he's continued to oppose key civil rights laws.1

2. According to Bloomberg News, McCain is more hawkish than Bush on Iraq, Russia and China. Conservative columnist Pat Buchanan says McCain "will make Cheney look like Gandhi."2

3. His reputation is built on his opposition to torture, but McCain voted against a bill to ban waterboarding, and then applauded President Bush for vetoing that ban.3

4. McCain opposes a woman's right to choose. He said, "I do not support Roe versus Wade. It should be overturned."4

5. The Children's Defense Fund rated McCain as the worst senator in Congress for children. He voted against the children's health care bill last year, then defended Bush's veto of the bill.5

6. He's one of the richest people in a Senate filled with millionaires. The Associated Press reports he and his wife own at least eight homes! Yet McCain says the solution to the housing crisis is for people facing foreclosure to get a "second job" and skip their vacations.6

7. Many of McCain's fellow Republican senators say he's too reckless to be commander in chief. One Republican senator said: "The thought of his being president sends a cold chill down my spine. He's erratic. He's hotheaded. He loses his temper and he worries me."7

8. McCain talks a lot about taking on special interests, but his campaign manager and top advisers are actually lobbyists. The government watchdog group Public Citizen says McCain has 59 lobbyists raising money for his campaign, more than any of the other presidential candidates.8

9. McCain has sought closer ties to the extreme religious right in recent years. The pastor McCain calls his "spiritual guide," Rod Parsley, believes America's founding mission is to destroy Islam, which he calls a "false religion." McCain sought the political support of right-wing preacher John Hagee, who believes Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment for gay rights and called the Catholic Church "the Antichrist" and a "false cult."9

10. He positions himself as pro-environment, but he scored a 0—yes, zero—from the League of Conservation Voters last year.10








Sources:
1. "The Complicated History of John McCain and MLK Day," ABC News, April 3, 2008
http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalpunch/2008/04/the-complicated.html
"McCain Facts," ColorOfChange.org, April 4, 2008
http://colorofchange.org/mccain_facts/

2. "McCain More Hawkish Than Bush on Russia, China, Iraq," Bloomberg News, March 12, 2008
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601103&sid=aF28rSCtk0ZM&refer=us

"Buchanan: John McCain 'Will Make Cheney Look Like Gandhi,'" ThinkProgress, February 6, 2008
http://thinkprogress.org/2008/02/06/buchanan-gandhi-mccain/
3. "McCain Sides With Bush On Torture Again, Supports Veto Of Anti-Waterboarding Bill," ThinkProgress, February 20, 2008
http://thinkprogress.org/2008/02/20/mccain-torture-veto/
4. "McCain says Roe v. Wade should be overturned," MSNBC, February 18, 2007
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17222147/
5. "2007 Children's Defense Fund Action Council® Nonpartisan Congressional Scorecard," February 2008
http://www.childrensdefense.org/site/PageServer?pagename=act_learn_scorecard2007

"McCain: Bush right to veto kids health insurance expansion," CNN, October 3, 2007
http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/10/03/mccain.interview/
6. "Beer Executive Could Be Next First Lady," Associated Press, April 3, 2008
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5h-S1sWHm0tchtdMP5LcLywg5ZtMgD8VQ86M80
"McCain Says Bank Bailout Should End `Systemic Risk,'" Bloomberg News, March 25, 2008
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=aHMiDVYaXZFM&refer=home

7. "Will McCain's Temper Be a Liability?," Associated Press, February 16, 2008
http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/wireStory?id=4301022

"Famed McCain temper is tamed," Boston Globe, January 27, 2008
http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2008/01/27/famed_mccain_temper_is_tamed/

8. "Black Claims McCain's Campaign Is Above Lobbyist Influence: 'I Don't Know What The Criticism Is,'" ThinkProgress, April 2, 2008
http://thinkprogress.org/2008/04/02/mccain-black-lobbyist/

"McCain's Lobbyist Friends Rally 'Round Their Man," ABC News, January 29, 2008
http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/story?id=4210251

9. "McCain's Spiritual Guide: Destroy Islam," Mother Jones Magazine, March 12, 2008
http://www.motherjones.com/washington_dispatch/2008/03/john-mccain-rod-parsley-spiritual-guide.html

"Will McCain Specifically 'Repudiate' Hagee's Anti-Gay Comments?," ThinkProgress, March 12, 2008
http://thinkprogress.org/2008/03/12/mccain-hagee-anti-gay/
"McCain 'Very Honored' By Support Of Pastor Preaching 'End-Time Confrontation With Iran,'" ThinkProgress, February 28, 2008
http://thinkprogress.org/2008/02/28/hagee-mccain-endorsement/

10. "John McCain Gets a Zero Rating for His Environmental Record," Sierra Club, February 28, 2008
http://www.alternet.org/blogs/environment/77913/

I should just face the fact that I am always going to be socially awkward and have a difficult time making friends.

I noticed around 12 that my mom had very few friends, and that the people with whom we interacted at all my riding stables generally disliked or distrusted her. As friendly and open as they might be with me - the mood changed when she was there to one of disdain.

This realization would come to color the way I felt about my mother and eventually cause me to feel embarassed by her and not want her around. I rejected her because everyone else did.

For years I have been afraid of becoming like her - alone, unable to earn the respect and comraderie of her peers and coworkers.

Yet, I see it in me, around me.

I see it in the elections there is no way I should lose, but do anyway. The drama club election in 2003 that will haunt me for years to come. The numerous PSP elections from President in '02 and '03 to National Officer to Alumni Advisor. How could a Chapter of which I was the backbone for so many years - the driving force that held it together - not want me. Its just a title, and I want to say I will be there for them and help them regardless, but it is also a sign of respect. I have donated to Cornell, but not my own Chapter because I fel more respect for my experience from them.

I'm just not electable - not likeable by the masses. Like my mother I have no idea what I do wrong to drive people away (with the exception of Sat night's shit show). I just know that it happens. The only people I found it easy to befriend in the last decade are guys who have been attracted to me. Guys with whom I fare okay on the hot/ crazy scale. What do I have to do to make real friends as well and keep them? Is this the same or different as appealing to the masses?

Sitting at lunch, overlooking alcatraz and the sea lions on the wharf. Eating alone, catching glances from this guy at the bar.

I have basically spent the trip alone, which is interesting. The ability to be alone is a skill I think, which I have not perfected, but am doing better at.

Today after our morning walk through I have been wandering San Francisco, though it isn't fair to say I was alone since Bo and I talked for most of the walk. But it was enjoyable, and now dining alone.

I still see the people taking pictured of their families and look forward to the day when people will be in mine, or will want to take ones with me. But for now, today, I am okay.

Next stop - walking the Golden Gate Bridge.

I appreciate that Bo is the only guy in my life now with whom I am always unfallingly 100% Stella. Not 75/25 or 50/50 but always me. Happy Stella. Goofy Stella. Cranky Stella. Stella that uses funny voices on the phone. Stella that accidentally got wasted and missed her stop and fell down. Stella that thinks she is awesome and boasts of being one of the prettiest girls at Lehigh. Stella that is dealing with her mother's sickness. Stella that bought a baseball hat to impress a guy and wound up coming to love and embrace it.

Stella that had another pinch me because there is no way I actually live in NYC moment today at the airport. Who wonders when she traded the cords and cargo pants for skinny jeans and boots - and whether or not that was a good thing.

The NYC Stella who wears these clothes and eats sushi and goes to yoga/pilates and tries to jog with her dog.

But also the NC Stella who lived at Home Depot to build sets or fix her house. Who spent fall weekends cleaning her gutters and pulling ivy off her fence. Who thought photo hunt was an excellent drinking companion and loved her truck.

Maybe the Stella of today is still being defined, but I know whether she loves or hates jeans - she will have someone she can share that with, who isn't going anywhere. Even if she admits to watching Greek on ABC Family.

Tonight I got on the train and chose to sit next to a youngish bohemian looking white couple on the train. I took out my word search from 1996 that has traveled (along with all its friends) with me to PA back to NC and now to NY in hopes that I would one day seek its words, because it was wasteful to throw it out, out of my bag and began an exciting puzzle on rivers or something.

Around the time we crossed the bridge, the couple starts making out, inspired by the beauty of the Manhattan Bridge.

I look up from my word search and make an ugly disaproving look at their backs then return to the rivers of the world. A moment later I feel the gaze of the man across from me and look up to see him wink. He caught my dirty look!

I instantly felt 50 years old with my disaproval of public affection and word searching skills and laughed at myself for the remainder of the train ride home.

Tonight was the first time I had been in that square since I moved to NYC and it inspired so many thoughts and memories.

I am seeing a show at The Public and had to take the B to Broadway Lafayette, which reminded me of the same trip last Friday and prompted thoughts of how Dan has to be the most peculiar man I have ever had the misfortune of involving myself with.

I walked up Lafayette and found The Public, so close by. Early!! Definitely a rare occurance. I found myself drawn North passing Blue Man Group to St Marks.

A square that shaped by college experience.

We came in with UP to BMG and explored, Joe and I, I think. But, I already knew I wanted to take him down the street to "the shop."

So I must have come first with Diane, sophomore year? Maybe when we came to a show at The Public, The Bacchae? For extra credit with our creepy anti-women theatre history professor. We drove in with him then rushed off in search of all the secrets St Marks had to offer. The dress up shop where she bought my Catholic School Girl skirt. We also met Jamie here once and she disapproved of how smitten Diane was with me. Probably a good thing, but we didn't listen. Wandered through sex toy shops and pretended we weren't young and naïve and instead we were trendy NY lesbians.

At the show later a dozen young girls spent the show topless. Bouncing around as they danced - probably to represent the sexual nature of classic Roman plays. Our professor stored through it as we sat mesmerized like silly school girls.

Recently I brought up the events of that year to Bo - a year I do not find easy to bring up in casual conversation. Then found myself recounting it to Rebecca at lunch as an example of how we all go a little crazy sometimes. I mentioned the bad parts, but had forgotten these glorious moments seemingly free from my obsession with "marrying the right guy" and exploring "what is love anyway."

Sometimes I wonder if my picture is listed in the dictionary next to "idiotic loser". I mean, sometimes I am incredibly dorky.

I can't sleep and am antsy lying in bed writing journal entries in my head, so I figured I might as well put them down.

Note to self - explain great wing man plan later

So, why am I antsy. I was wrapping things up, preparing for bed, and crafting an away message (yes, I still think it's a craft I know, so 2002). Anyway, the great poker song poped into my head:

You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run

And, I thought it was so appropo to my recent dating life that I just don't know when to walk away from the table, that I should craft a facebook status to match, because the world is obviously incredibly interested in my status updates and the deeper metaphor they represent.

So, I came up with this whole poker metaphor about not knowing whether to check or fold when it was my turn - then sat in bed thinking how lame it was because the kid doesn't even like poker.

But, to indulge my poker metaphor - it was an excellent game of heads up. Neither player too aggressive or passive. Chip stacks about even. Then he made a big move, I called, and came out ahead. He fell back, and started folding habitually. I took a risk and made an all-in to jump start the action of the game, but he called my bluff and left me short stacked. Now, with chips dwindling I have been making minimum bets, trying to get back in the action, but it's as if he's no longer at the table. I should just realize the game is over, and return to my tournament.

Yes, I know that was super lame and you're laughing at me, but I had to. But, geez. Why bother with the "I would love to hang out and be friends since I'm not ready for a relationship. It makes me sad to think of us not seeing each other" stuff if you're then going to show little to no interest in accepting offers to hang out on a friends basis.

I hate the position that working on this show puts me in. I've been trying actively not to have to be an aggressor in dating, not having to make moves, and letting what happens happen. But, now that my schedule is f-ed it's impossible to avoid. I'm supossed to be busy M-F, and I don't expect anyone (friends, guys) to come to me every day and ask whether or not I still have rehearsal scheduled. So, when I do get an unexpected night off (such as yesterday and today), I feel it's my duty to reach out to people and offer to hang out. But, then this puts me in the position of making the offer and having to get rejected. And, even if it's for legit reasons, it's bothersome and does not boost the old self-confidence. Part of me says I shouldn't bother then, just accept nights off as a Me night and don't ask anyone to hang out, but then the other part says I am wasting my freedom of the night and a chance to spend time with someone, which I have so little of.

I don't know which part will win. Probably the dumb-as-a-rock can't learn when to walk away and let things go stubborn streak until it walks inself into depression over constant rejection.

So, that is why I was lying in bed pondering life.

But, while doing so.... I came up with a hilarious pick-up wing-man technique I kind of want to try for laughs.

So, I walk into a bar. A few minutes later, my wing man walks into the bar, looks around, then approaches me. We talk, I am not interested - scoping out the rest of the bar. FInally, I spy the target and rush over and say, "Ohmygod! I haven't seen you in years! How the hell are you!" and give them a hug, leaving wingman alone and irritated. While hugging I explain, "sorry, I know you have no idea who I am, I'm just trying to get away from that creep who followed me here from the last bar, please humor me and I'll be eternally grateful." And jump start the conversation to "Catch up" since we haven't seen one another since high school, occasionally asking him if creep is still there, who for a while waits around staring, then goes and picks up a target of his own. :)

haha. Not that I've EVER done anything like this, but I'm amused by the idea. A good use of guy-girl friendships. Totally cheesy? Yes.

Refer to opening line about what a dork I feel like tonight.

NYC is trying it's best to do a number on my self confidence. I'm not used to being average. But, it's also helping me to make some positive changes - yoga, jogging with eden, eating sushi 4-5 times a week... etc. What happened to the old me?

Alrightie, I think I've embarassed myself enough for one evening, and feel like maybe I can sleep now. If not, I'll be back...